There was bad blood between Eric and Benny and had been for some time, ever since, according to Benny, Eric had got away with murder, literally. Benny blamed Eric for causing the deaths of some of his friends through the latter’s gross mishandling of the Annual Regimental Pud Fest when he allegedly served up a very dodgy concoction deemed by Benny to be lethal. The fact that Benny’s friends had prior to the Fest agreed on a practical joke they would play on Benny himself, a joke that went badly wrong resulting in the deaths of said friends, was knowledge Benny was not privy to. In fact the vials of poison used were not discovered until well after the departure in shame of both army cooks, Benny and Eric, both seen as absolute liabilities to the regiment, a regiment that didn’t need any more bad publicity after the last lot but that’s another story. Both Eric and Benny were asked quietly to pack their bags and disappear, each receiving sufficient funds with which to do so, enabling them to start anew somewhere else, as far away as possible. Eric went his way and Benny his, but Benny harboured a great grievance against his former colleague, one that would turn him into the twisted demented being engaged upon a wild vendetta. He had sworn vengeance and he would get satisfaction, he’d been given the chance to quite unexpectedly. As he rode on the seething hot mass of assault killer beans he had a flashback to that fateful day when the opportunity to wreak vengeance presented itself. He had been walking back to his basement hovel below the greasy spoon emporium, the place of his employment, when he stumbled upon a curious item in his path. There, lit by a shaft of moonlight in the middle of the alleyway shortcut from his favourite hostelry, something sparkled catching his bloodshot boozy eye. Upon closer inspection it turned out to be a huge catering tin of baked beans but it wasn’t the tin that caught his eye as much as the ringpull on it, shining like a gold and silver beacon in the night. Benny found himself drawn to this strange object, strange but oddly familiar, after all, he was known for his fondness of the delicacy known as baked beans, for him it had to be beans with everything, they were his signature dish. Now, here in the moonlight, he was looking at a real object of true beauty, an extra-large catering tin of baked beans adorned by a bright shining gold and silver ringpull, surely this was a sign, he thought. Standing there transfixed by this site, scratching his head through his thick greasy curly hair, he knew he couldn’t leave it there so with great care and a touch of caution he picked up the tin to take back to his hovel. As soon as he touched the tin he felt sizzling shock waves run through his body but he didn’'t hurt, he felt surprisingly elated, light as a feather, which for his 6ft frame was a whole new experience. He found himself almost skipping back to his basement home, giddy with delight, strange images flashing across his mind filling him with a great euphoria.

He didn’t remember much of the last bit of his journey back to his quarters, it was gone, all that mattered was setting this treasure down safely on the box he used as his kitchen table. Once in place he sat back on his chair and stared at the thing in front of him, he just stared in awe. Then he began to hear voices in his head, or rather one voice, a voice like audible velvet caressing his mind, he found himself floating in the air, he was being seduced by this voice and was putting up zero resistance as the voice proceeded to plant thoughts, ideas in his mind, wild ideas, ideas about how to achieve his aims, how he could become the great master chef he longed to be. The only obstacle that had got in his way, as he saw it, was that bloody Eric precious Kwerk. An image began to form in his mind. Suddenly it was there, as clear as day, an idea of how to get his revenge on his arch rival. He had been given the means, though at that moment he didn’t know quite what but he felt he had been strangely empowered to achieve his aims.

He became aware of another presence in his humble abode, a not entirely pleasant presence, in fact it was a malevolent presence, there evil all around him, this he was sure of but at the same time not unduly concerned, which didn’t really surprise him given his own ill feelings towards the person he had once worked with.

‘Benny, my friend, do not be alarmed, for I am here to grant you your dearest wish.’

Benny almost jumped out of his skin as his head swivelled this way and that searching for the source of this deep softly velvety voice, a voice making promises to him. Even Benny didn’t take this sort of wild claim too seriously, well not immediately. After all, it actually sounded quite attractive. His dearest wish, he could rid the world of blessed Eric at last.

‘Open the tin, Benny, pull the ring, I promise you you won’t be disappointed.’

With only a moment of hesitation he gripped the ring with finger and thumb and said to himself, ‘You’ve come this far, get on with it, here goes.’

 There was a sudden rush of air, a thunderous roar filled his head and the room filled with smoke which is about all Benny remembered from that point until awakened the next day, he knew it was the next day as a tiny beam of sunlight was striving to break through the shutters on his one window. He checked his body to ensure he was still all there after what had been one hell of a night, of that he was certain, plus the fact that his head was still spinning, dizzy with a strange feeling, what was it? He felt different in some way, what was it? He then remembered the find of the previous night and looked around the room until his eyes alighted upon a large catering tin on the floor in one corner of the room. He didn’t remember putting it there, he was sure he’d put it on the table, but something happened didn’t it, what was it? Oh yes there was a great disturbance and then he, well he must have blacked out. He picked up the tin, finding it to his great surprise empty. But after a second or two of looking into the empty can images began to appear, images of himself leading a great army to ultimate victory and then world domination. He sat down with a bump, dazed by what he’d just seen, rubbing his eyes vigorously in disbelief but also there was the feeling of elation, was this really what the future had in store for him. Then he heard that velvety seductive voice again.

‘This is your chance, Beanz Benny, your chance to show the world who is the supreme chosen one to lead a new order. Look outside, your destiny awaits.’

‘Just a minute, isn’t this getting a bit corny you, whoever you are?’ Benny was beginning to doubt the validity of what was unfolding before him. None of this could be happening, could it?

‘Benny, look outside, outside.’

When he emerged from his hovel basement dwelling he was not met by the usual dingy alleyway he’d gotten used to over the time he’d been there but an open courtyard, he quickly darted back inside, blinked, rubbed his eyes, then went outside again and sure enough, there in front of him was an impossible courtyard, impossible because last night it was only an alleyway. How was this, he thought? But the voice spoke again, breaking into his thoughts.

‘Yes, I know what you are thinking Benny, you’re thinking how is this possible? Well, it is possible, believe it. Also believe that from now on anything will be possible if you want it to be and want it badly enough. You have been chosen to lead the world into a brand new future in front of a massive army of followers loyal to no one but you. Also, you are now in another dimension altogether where you cannot be touched by any enemy.’ 

‘Whoa there, not so damn fast, what the hell do you mean ‘another dimension?’

‘Calm yourself, young Benny, all will be made clear to you but in good time, you have quite a lot to learn and then get used to before you can get started on your campaign. You’ll lead an army the likes of which has never been seen before, an invincible army against which no other force has a defence for conventional weapons will prove useless. Go through those gates ahead of you and see for yourself.’

Benny was now no longer sure of who he was, where he was, if he was? Total confusion filled his addled mind of which he no longer felt was his own. In a daze he walked across the vast courtyard towards a tall double iron gate which he opened before going through. The sight that met his eyes proved to be too much for one day  he suffered a major senses overload and the next thing he became aware of waking up what proved to be the next day for he had passed out, fainted, he, macho Benny had fainted. He hoped none of his friends ever learned of this. Then he thought, he longer had any friends so, sod it, let’s have another look.

‘I trust you are feeling better now, it must have been a bit of a shock for you’ That voice again.

He would tackle the question that had bugged him  concerning the identity of the voice at a later date, first he had to check on what he thought he saw yesterday. Again he walked through the tall iron gates and sure enough, there before him, standing in disciplined lines, an entire army of giant 8ft tall  leeks, armed fully to the, er, well, heavily armed.

‘Bloody ‘ell!’ he exclaimed.

‘This is your army of loyal killer leeks, bullets will not stop these bad boys. With them you will be invincible, Benny, you will rule all before you.’

‘Okay, whoever you are, what’s the catch?’

‘Benny, Benny, that’s no way to show gratitude now is it? There’s no catch though there is a mutual gain involve’ 

‘Ah ha! I knew as much, there is a catch.’

‘No, no, no Benny. It’s nothing like that. Look, you want to avenge your friends and family, don’t you, you want to get even with a certain Eric Kwerk, right?’

‘Y-y-yes, true enough’

‘Right, and I too have a bit of a problem with another member of the same family, another Kwerk and together we can solve both our problems but I do need you, because I cannot physically enter your time and space. Are you with me so far?’

Benny didn’t answer straight away because he was processing what he’d just heard and was experiencing what computers experience at crucial times, his mind kept crashing. ‘Would you mind passing that last bit by me again? I thought you said that you couldn’t physically enter my time and space. E-yuh, you’re not some Sci Fi Geek are you, somehow tapping into my brain through some physic trickery?

‘Oh Benny, Benny, how suspicious you are, how perfect, trust no one, perfect. We will go far together, you and I. Now, time is wasting and there’s much to do. First you need to get familiar with what’s at your disposal. You will discover that you have the power over the world of vegetables  making it possible for you to order any vegetable to do your bidding, without question, Furthermore they will be indestructible, immune to anything but overcooking, of course. Sorry, my little joke. But come, Benny, follow me to the next  level, the next room if you like or courtyard if you prefer.’ 

Rubbing his hands together in childlike anticipation he duly followed the disembodied voice to the next courtyard, finding himself in what had all the hallmarks of being a mediaeval castle grounds, castle walls towering high above him. Everywhere he looked he saw veg, veg and more veg, all in their various beds in rows looking ready for harvest. Odd, he thought, they’re all ready at the same time, how unseasonable?

‘Okay, my friend, we need to get cracking, I have a little job for you, we need to do a bit of agricultural digging. There’s a camp of pseudo soldiers we need to ‘relocate.’

Benny, standing, feet apart, head held high, arm outstretched with menacing 50 Cal. ladle in hand and riding on the crest of a tsunami of piping hot steaming baked beans, was soon back in the present, whatever that was and intent upon the destruction of his arch rival, Eric. He sensed victory was at hand, he would soon be claiming the promise. ‘Ruler of all!’

Unfortunately neither he nor his mentor had reckoned on the ingenuity of one little red vintage Citroen C1. As the heaving, seething mass of orange coloured nastiness approached Rosie and her passengers she surprised not only Beanz Benny but her passengers, not least of which was her bemused creator who now no longer felt he was in control of his own creation, she made an impossible yet obviously well timed time leap. Whoosh! This left the oncoming avalanche of steaming goo with Benny riding on top hurtling towards a very nice white precision cut Castle wall. It would take some time to clean that lot up, should anyone bother to. Not only that, Benny bent his ladle. He also learned that skin and stone are a bad mix. Poor Benny.